"Come, let's away to prison; We two alone will sing like birds I' th' cage."

Just thought I’d put it out there that my retirement plan is prison…..

Others have suggested cruise ships and my one friend thought a coma would be good cause you’d be well rested. I said it would have to be the soap opera coma where they come in and do your hair and makeup every day….

Think about it though. Prison has certain advantages—3 hots and a cot. Free healthcare, access to a gym.

AND.

I’d finally get to take some college courses. All on the taxpayers dime. So I become somebody’s bitch… oh well.

Now I just have to figure out what kind of crime will get me in a Martha Stewart type of lock up—and for how long…..

Planning ahead is a bitch.

There's some ill planet reigns

Ya know how you randomly surf the news websites when you’re taking a mental health break at your desk? Yeah—well you can find some really weird shit.

Here’s some goodies I came across today:

Channeling your inner alien? Maybe, scientists say
By RAPHAEL G. SATTER, Associated Press Writer Raphael G. Satter, Associated Press Writer – Tue Jan 26, 9:26 pm ET
LONDON – For decades, scientists have scanned the heavens in search of extraterrestrial life. Perhaps they should have looked closer to home. Variant life forms — most likely tiny microbes — could still be hanging around "right under our noses — or even in our noses," Paul Davies, an award-winning Arizona State University physicist, told a group of scientists Tuesday.

This could explain the sinus issues I’ve been having for over a year now. I had visions of little creatures making floorplans and rearranging furniture in my nostrils.

On DISCOVERY NEWS:

By Ian O'Neill Mon Jan 25, 2010 02:06 PM ET
Although we are currently eying Mars as a possible destination for a human expedition, it doesn't mean we are going to be landing on a hospitable planet. It's freezing cold, dry, humming with radiation and there's nothing but dust. Lots and lots of dust.
Now scientists at the University of Vermont think they have a solution to the dust problem: acoustic levitation, a method that could -- quite literally -- lift dust off any desired surface.

I soooo want this for my apartment—it might help evict the aliens from my nose….

"When sorrows come, they come not single spies, But in battalions! " (Hamlet Act 4 Scene 5)

Okay, since about the 10th of this month life has been a non-stop onslaught of… stuff. Good, bad and CRAZY.

My show opened on the 14th [good] and the cast has been wonderful—each performance grows on the last one [Gooder]. The chemistry between the entire company has been just awesome—we all really enjoy hanging out. [Really gooder] And the reviews have been good too!

My mother arrived from California on the 16th—no delays, no cancelled flights [Goodest]

But it’s been kinda downhill since then.

Her furniture didn’t arrive until 5pm on the 23rd, so there went attending my company’s rescheduled holiday party. [Bad—I had a new outfit and a date and I didn’t get to wear either one out]. Sergei and friend worked til after 7 getting everything into the efficiency Mom is renting until my lease is up in June. She has 4 rooms worth of stuff in a 20x13 foot space—or as she put it: “10 pounds of sh*t in a 5 pound bag.” Ya gotta love my mom…… [Crazy]

Yesterday, I raced home at lunchtime [I won’t even go into how crazy work has been] to take her the 7 blocks from my place to hers so she could meet the cable guy to install the phone and TV—he never showed up [very bad—may have to sic Jim Carrey on him]. I discovered a “sorry we missed you” message on MY voicemail last night. Sheesh. [Badder and crazier] The appointment has been re-scheduled for tomorrow—keep your fingers and toes crossed. I don’t want her staying there until she has a phone and TV.

Her car was supposed to arrive today, but because of storms in the Rockies it has now been pushed back until February 1st. [way bad—she hates being dependent on other people]

And of course, all of this is costing more money…..

Nothing seems to have gone smoothly with this move….. [major BD karma to Younger Brother for creating this whole situation]
But God bless my mom—she has kept a great attitude and an amazing sense of humor throughout all of this. I put on a good front and then go stick pins in a doll of my brother when she’s not looking.

“How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a naughty world.”

It seems to me we are in a depression almost as great as the one my mother and father grew up in—but nobody wants to admit it. Things suck all over but Washington still doesn’t seem to get it. They continue to play politics and the blame game. Jobs are being lost left and right, yet CEOs at companies that got HUGE AMOUNTS OF OUR TAX DOLLARS are still getting ginormous bonuses—even if they were the ones to f *%k up the company in the first place. People are starving and becoming homeless at record rates, but NBC has 45 million to buy off Conan O’Brien from his contract. Something ain’t right here…..

You see:

I just took a mental health break from my job and snuck a quick read of Stephanie Snowe’s blog and it got me thinking—along with Lora’s post from the 15th. Very guilt inducing. [Not what I was looking for, but I’m glad I read them both] Lora’s tears your gut out at how we as a society fail so many of the people on the fringes. What some people endure in this life is just awful. Stephanie’s evokes mixed reactions. If the story is true, it is heartbreaking that a family has been reduced to begging and sleeping in the park.

Sadly, because of the many scams and hoaxes pulled on us, we question whether the people we have approaching us looking for handouts are genuine or not. I was duped once at Christmas time a few years back [right outside of my apartment no less]. I gave someone my last twenty because I thought they needed it more than I did. This person promised to be back later to pay me back—needless to say, I never saw him again. It was a young guy and the mother in me helped him because that’s what I’d want someone to do for my son or daughter if I wasn’t there to help. But, after that incident, I’ve hesitated to help out. How sad that we’ve come to that.

How equally sad that more and more people ARE finding themselves in dire straits as our economy continues to struggle. So many of us are just a paycheck away from disaster. I know I am. And I also know I have it WAY better than others in this country. It’s scary for me to think about, I can imagine how it must be for people with young children.

But I don’t want this to stop me from doing what little I can to help others less fortunate than myself. So I’ll keep on giving loose change to the collection jars at the convenience store. I’ll continue to donate my outgrown clothes every season. I’ll try to stage readings of plays as “pay-what-you-will” fundraisers for rape prevention, Katrina relief or suicide awareness. And I’ll keep on helping my blind neighbors whenever I can. Not much in the grand scheme of things, but every little bit helps.

My friend is a state welfare case worker and he has noticed a serious increase in people applying for food stamps and medical benefits. He and his colleagues are beleaguered and overworked. Like social workers, inner-city teachers and doctors and nurses in ERs, I don’t know how these people do what they doo every day. I couldn’t. So, here is a huge thank you to the Alan’s—and the Lora’s of this world: people willing to take on this daunting task. I salute you.

“They do not love that do not show their love. “

When are you obligated to say “I Love You” back…..

That’s been the debate here at work all morning. And since the people I work with are hilariously certifiable, it’s been a hoot. Reminds me of a Seinfeld episode [pretty much everything can be related to Seinfeld—or Friends]: George decides to tell a woman he is seeing that he loves her and Jerry wants to know if he’s guaranteed the “I love you” return. “That’s a pretty big matzo ball hanging out there Georgie.”

One co-worker feels you MUST say it back if a family member says it to you, you SHOULD say it back to your close friends; BUT don’t say it to a significant other unless you really mean it. We felt she needed to produce a flow chart for us so we could be clear and not commit a faux paux. I asked about “friends with benefits—does it boil down to whether or not there has been nudity involved?” She wasn’t amused.

It’s pretty hard to say those words in the context of a relationship isn’t it? The ultimate vulnerability—even more so than getting naked with someone the first time, I think. We compose poetry or songs, we give mushy cards, we buy flowers--all ways of saying it. Or of avoiding the actual words. "It doesn't count til I say the words." Making the big commitment, taking that final leap, is a big deal. What if they don’t say it back! How sucky would that be?

And then you have the whole “I don’t want to be the one who says it first” thing. It’s very confusing—we throw the word around a lot, but in the relationships where it really counts, we often forget to say it.

So to all of my family and friends—especially the ones who have seen me naked—I love you!

“One touch of nature makes the whole world kin”

Just when you start questioning your fellow man’s worth, something like this happens…. And man’s innate compassion and humanity comes shining through. Mother Nature has a way of putting our petty grievances in perspective. She is the one thing man has not been able to control.

We are at her mercy.

We either get bombarded with record snow falls that cause massive transportation issues. Or we have raging forest fires that destroy homes.

We’ve had the devastation of Hurricane Katrina, destroying a major US city and its rich culture; we’ve had the horror of the Indonesian tsunami in 2004

And now this.

But already there are stories of tremendous courage and compassion emerging from the devastation that was once Haiti—an already impoverished country. I know all of our hearts go out to these struggling people. Here's hoping the help they need arrives soon. A number of organizations, such as the Red Cross, have already set up websites to accept donations. Giving us all a chance to see the generosity and love that man is capable of showing the occupants of this planet. It is very encouraging in the face of all of the wars and human rights violations.

Then we have douche bags like Pat Robertson claiming these events are because Haiti made a “Pact with the Devil.” Seriously, Pat? And you’re a Christian? It’s like when the fundamentalists claimed AIDS was God’s retribution to gays—and other such nonsense. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

I don’t know, but, as much as I’ve tried to block out my 12 years of Catholic school, I do remember that the basic Christian philosophy is that God is all-loving. And all-forgiving. Which means, as much as we may not like it, even the most heinous human being [like Hitler] has a shot at “heaven” if they repent.

I wish I was in a position to do more in situations such as this, but I am not. I try to donate when possible and I try to help those I see in need nearby—even if it's just talking to someone who seems down—in the hopes that the ripple effect will spread far and wide….

Do you think I am easier to be played on than a pipe?

Now when I was a young woman, I had a good Irish temper. I could go at it pretty good in certain circumstances. But that has mellowed considerably over the years. The person I probably argued with the most was my husband—surprise, surprise. It’s usually the person you love who can push your buttons. And, of course, my daughter and I had a very stormy several years. [Thank God they’re over!!!]

Then I got Fibromyalgia—and I noticed how much stress triggered flare-ups. So, I learned to let things roll off my back. [Therapy when my daughter was 16 and pregnant helped.] Let’s face it, most stuff really isn’t worth freaking out about. You go all ballistic, ruin your day—and everyone’s around you—but what does it really accomplish. And now, I’ve gone through so much crap in my life that I just don’t have the wherewithal to argue. And that may be causing problems of a different sort…

I committed to directing this current play last January—and a lot has gone down since then. The main one being my knee injury. I thought I’d be in better physical shape by now and wouldn’t be so hampered when it comes to doing stuff for the set. I was wrong. It’s frustrating me, but I’m trying to let it go. I’m also trying to let certain other pressures not get to me. And it’s not easy….

I am a classic middle child [Marcia, Marcia, Marcia]—I always try to make everyone else happy, I try to keep the peace…

The theatre group I work with—like most arts organizations right now—is in a real money crunch. Unlike many arts organizations, we do not get grants or government funding. We rely solely on ticket sales. So, the powers-that-be tried some extra programming over the holiday season to generate additional revenue. It was fairly successful, which I’m happy about. But it really limited what I could do on the technical end of things. This is where my middle-childness comes in. I’ve just sucked it up and tried to keep focused. And as a result, I think I got taken advantage of. And I’m not happy about that.

I have to learn how to be more assertive—that’s one of the many things I admire about my daughter. She doesn’t take any crap from anybody; all 5’2’’/105 lbs. of her will stand toe-to-toe with anyone. I have no idea where this came from, but damn I admire her for it.

Guess I was taking that whole “the meek shall inherit the earth” thing too literally.

"....Shuffle off this Mortal Coil."

I went to my aunt’s viewing last Wednesday night….. I am not a fan of the viewing, I don’t want to stand there looking at a dead body. The thing that makes a person who they are is gone; the body is just a shell. And let’s face it—undertakers make folks look weird. Aunt Ruth tended to always sort of purse her lips—but her mouth had been flattened out into some sort of bad Mona Lisa-like thing.
“Doesn’t she look good, Marge?”
“No—she looks dead.”

Call me weird, but I so don’t get our whole death ritual thing….. The expensive coffins with the silk lining—I’m dead, I’m not gonna feel what I’m lying on. The fancy woods and gold trims on the coffins—it’s getting stuck in dirt, who needs all that? And it’s not like the deceased can see it….. The viewing—I do not want to have to stand next to the body of my dead loved one for 4 hours listening to people’s uncomfortable platitudes. The funeral service—many times presided over by a member of the clergy who didn’t even know the person who has died. It all seems too over-the-top to me.

Just cremate me and have a party. Put the FUN in funeral.

# # # # #
My daughter has a deal with a friend of hers:

Should said friend die first, my daughter promises to keep her all lip glossed up til they close the lid on her coffin. If my daughter is the one to check out first, her friend must find someone willing to spray tan a corpse.

I did not know how to react to this little tidbit of information when she shared it. But then I started thinking, what do I want someone to do for me to preserve my dignity—and cool—when I have left this earth.

Hmmmm….
· If I am found in front of the TV, please make sure it’s on something intellectual and classy.
· Get rid of any junk food and put lots of fruits and veggies in the fridge.
· Clean, make the bed, do the dishes. I live alone and I sometimes get a little lazy about that stuff.
· If I am naked, please put clothes on me—preferably black ‘cause it’s slimming.
· If I’m naked with a guy—tell everyone I know. I mean, what a way to go.