Wednesday, April 28, 2010

It adds a precious seeing to the eye. -Love's Labour 's Lost. Act iv. Sc. 3.

Just an odd jumping off point here…..

Now that the weather is getting mild, I have the windows open in my apartment. I look down on the train station here in Media, Pa. And from very early in the morning til very late at night I can hear the announcements about arrivals and departures. I can’t make out what is being said mind you—it comes across as a monotone, garbled, disembodied voice. Well, this morning it hit me what it reminds me of: the lead singer’s voice in “Pepper” by Butthole Surfers. If you’re not familiar, the song is sort of a spoken word piece: “She was sharin’ Sharon’s outlook on the topic of disease.” The singer is telling a story about a group of young people leading lives of quiet desperation [I guess] somewhere in Texas. The line that sort of stuck in my head was this: “You never know just how you look through other people’s eyes.”

We don’t know how others see us, perceive us. I worry about that way more than I probably should. I mean, why is it important to me that everyone likes me? I don’t like everyone I cross paths with, so why should I waste time and energy worrying about whether folks like me. As long as the people that really matter in my life appreciate what I have to offer, what difference does the rest make? I know I have quite a large circle of acquaintances and friends. And I’m fairly certain that the ones I spend a lot of time with actually enjoy my company, so the rest is insignificant. Right?

As the time gets closer to my move out day, I find myself growing nostalgic about my apartment—it’s seen me through some very rough times. It has embraced me when there was no one else to do so…..

I was married for 26 years. I went right from my parent’s home to living with my boyfriend at 19—and marrying him shortly after turning 20. I separated from my husband in 2000; a story for another time—but I’ve covered some of it in previous posts], and found this place to move into. I had never lived alone in my life—and here I am at 46 signing a lease and applying for utilities in my name—not his. It was a little scary at first. I had never lived alone—would I be able to do it? How would it be not to have someone to talk to or laugh over a funny show with? It was a BIG adjustment, but I learned to like some aspects of living alone [I can watch what I want on TV when I want for one.]

At that time, I was moving from a 3-story, 4 bedroom house to this 1-bedroom apartment. I had to be ruthless as to what I kept and what I gave away to Goodwill—or tossed altogether. “Kids, I love you—but the macaroni portrait of Lincoln you did in 1st grade is gonna get tossed if you don’t come get it.” Of course, I kept EVERY little thing my grandson had done. I have an autobiography he wrote in 2nd grade—cause they’ve experienced so much by age 7. I have a couple of his drawings….. But the best [it has had a place of honor on my fridge since I moved in here] is the note he wrote me when he was 5: “ Dear Mimi—I hope you feel better. Your are the best Mimi ever. Love…”—and he signed his full name. Like I wouldn’t know who it was from otherwise. I think that is the cutest thing. Some things I simply CANNOT part with……

A bit of a clarification…

My post of the other day [ the one with the image of Edvard Munch’s The Scream]f had more to do with the stress of packing up/de-thinging, finding a new place that both my mom and I will be comfortable in AND coping with my company’s complete restructuring of the workflow and team structures. Stress and Fibromyalgia do not play well together…. And today was the start of the new model..... First I opened my door to find one of my bras sitting in the hallway [it escaped the basket last night apparently]; then I came out to a flat tire [but I could now join a NASCAR pit crew--I got to the gas station, got air in the tire and made it to work only 5 minutes late]; my first 30 calls were all from new hospitals migrated from other teams, so I had no idea who they were--and one of them yelled at me. But the best part was when I heard a male voice from the top of my cubicle wall asking me how things were going. Thank God I looked up before I answered--it was the president of the company!! Good thing I didn't answer without looking,cause it wouldn't have been pretty. But, I’m a tough old bitch—and I can come here and vent to my wonderful blog peeps.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Like madness is the glory of this life.

HELP ME......

life has been a bitch of late.

I don't have much "me" time of late-- and when I do, I'm too wiped out to do anything with it. [damned Fibro...]

I'm doing my best to hang in there. Had a nice respite last night watching REEFER MADNESS--the Musical with my friend/neighbor. Hilarious.

And tonight is the finale of RuPaul's Drag Race. go Jujubee!!

I'll try to be more "postal" this week....

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Put money in thy purse--Othello

Tomorrow is the day of days--our favorite of the year. Forget Christmas, Easter, Arbor Day.... You know April 15th is the one we all live for!
Yeah--and a yeast infection is fun too.
I HATE doing my annual tax return--and I only do the simple one. Cause I've got NOTHING I can deduct. And I think that sucks--big time.
Why can't renters get some sort of deduction like homeowners do? I mean we have to have a roof over our heads; it's not our fault we can't afford to buy it. [although some banks were doing crazy-ass NINJA loans a couple of years back (no income/no job applications) and that turned out so well for so many people.]
And what about a little sumpin'-sumpin' towards your electric bill? [Yeah, the landlord pays for the heat, but EVERY-FRICKIN'-THING in the apartment is electric. Hello?!?]
And they should give people driving a 10 year old car some sort of rebate--clearly we believe in conservation.....
Perhaps there should be some sort of compensation if your daily commute goes through 2 or more school zones.....
Just sayin'....
I don't know why I put filing off til the last possible moment.... [seriously, I think last year I was hitting "send" at 11:58pm] I mean I usually get a refund. I guess I resent just how little I get. [Maybe I'll ask for it in quarters so I can do my laundry....]
Okay, while I ponder whether to file for an extension or just suck it up and hit Turbo Tax online, here's some words of wisdom on the subject from greater minds than mine:
Mark Twain:
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
Martin A. Sullivan:
There may be liberty and justice for all, but there are tax breaks only for some. [TRU DAT]
Will Rogers:
Alexander Hamilton started the US Treasury with nothing and that is the closest our country has ever been to being even.
Albert Einstein:
This is too difficult for a mathemetician--it takes a philosopher. [well, crap, if HE can't figure it out, the rest of us are screwed.]
Herman Wouk:
Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.
Calvin Coolidge:
Collecting more taxes than is absolutely necessary is legalized robbery [and the dude was PRESIDENT!!]
George Bernard Shaw:
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
Bob Dole:
The purpose of a tax cut is to leave more money where it belongs: in the hands of the working men and women who earned it in the first place. [uh-huh, and there really is a tooth fairy too.]
and finally:
Will Rogers:
The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.
Happy filing all!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Omittance is no quittance. [Meandering Monday]

Wow—it has been 9 days since I last posted. Believe me, it’s not because I haven’t had anything to say—that is not a problem for me, quite the opposite usually. I have missed spending extended time with my blogosphere family—I think I tell you way more stuff than I tell my real-world family. Do you do that? It’s so easy to share here, isn’t it? And the support I get back is awesome.

I have been trying to keep up with everyone’s goings-on—and maybe even leave a comment or two when possible…. BUT, to sit down and write something hasn’t been possible….






And that’s daunting for us fibro folk—we get overwhelmed. And exhausted by it all. We don’t like that it happens, but it does. Causing us to have to husband our reserves. To let some things slide and do only the absolutely necessary stuff.

Right now, for me, that means starting to “de-thing” myself and prep for moving at the end of June. It is amazing how much stuff you can accumulate in 10 years…. I left my marriage with about 3 pieces of furniture, a set of dishes my bridesmaids had given me, my books and my clothes. Now I have 3 rooms that are an ode to IKEA, about a hundred CDs, lots of kitchen ca-ca—and my memories. The thought of packing it all up and schlepping it somewhere else sends me to bed.

But, then I think of my mother. She’s 87 and she just came all the way across the country in January. Who am I to whine. But, also—how do I explain this fibro mess to her? She knows I have it of course, but we haven’t been around each other enough for her to grasp the full nature of what’s going on. She’s trying though—she really is.

Add to this the fact my employer is completely revamping our work process—and breaking up the fantastic team I have worked with for almost 2 years now [I love them, they’re as twisted as I am]—and I really want to crawl under the covers.

Work has been EXCEEDINGLY busy—like crazy insane busy—and the powers-that-be feel this new model will make things easier. We’re all reserving judgment and hoping it isn’t a complete clusterf@#k. Pray for us. [I know, I know—I should stop kvetching! I have a job when so many people don’t]

Sorry to come back with a rambling rant…..

* * * *

I believe tomorrow is Earth Day….. I remember skipping school with my boyfriend to go to Belmont Plateau in Fairmont Park for the first Earth Day Rally. There was music and speeches and tons of hippies in the sun…..

I'm gonna get in touch with nature by watching the next to last episode of RuPaul's Drag Race now.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Why so earnestly seek you to put up that letter? [DEAR SO & SO SATURDAYS]

I decided to join in on the venting…but… since I love alliteration, I’ve opted for “So & So Saturdays.” Check out the others [they’re way better at this than me….]




Dear Complexion—

WTF?!? Why all the zits lately? It’s ridiculous—I mean who’s gonna ask me to prom.

Hoping for peaches and cream,


Dear RuPaul—

You should not have sent Pandora Boxx home!! Miss Bitch Tyra needs to go—like weeks ago.

Your Friendly Fag Hag

Dear Car—

Please hang in there with me a little while longer. I know you’re tired, but I need you for another year maybe. I promise to feed you some oil first thing tomorrow. Thanks for being so good lately though.


Your driver

Dear Apartment Communities--

Please have websites with floorplans, features and rents--it would make our lives so much easier.

Dear Landlord—

Bite Me.

That’s it.

Your tenant

Dear Sleep—

God I miss you!! Feel free to come back any time—and stay as long as you want.

Dear Easter Dinner--

So, are we doing this? [God, I'll have to get all domestic]

Dear Secret Single Behaviors--

Enjoy yourselves while you can--we'll have a roomy come July.

Dear Bloggy Folks—

Happy Easter and Passover. May your eggs not be cracked and your bread be unleavened.

Xoxo, E