Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Have more than thou showest,Speak less than thou knowest.


“People Are Strange….”

File this under “Civics Class Wasn’t Your Strong Suit Was It?”

A friend is working as a census taker right now. He goes around to homes and apartments in his general area trying to get folks to answer the census questions. Well, the other day some guy is yelling at him thru the crack of the door that the census is “unconstitutional.” My Friend: “Okay—it’s only IN the constitution, but I hear ya….”

File this under “Way To Be Crystal Clear In Your Meaning.”

As I’ve said before, I live in Media, Pa—which happens to be the county seat and home of the county courthouse. So, needless to say, you can’t swing a dead cat in Media without hitting a law office. Well, I’m stopped at the light next to the post office and I see this guy holding a sign on a stick and leaning on the telephone pole on the other side of the street. The sign read “Arrest Lawyer.” Um, you’re gonna hafta dial that in a little more Sparky….

File this under “Thank You Captain Obvious.”

I came out to my car at lunchtime yesterday to discover my tire was flat—again. As I’m standing there debating whether to risk the 5 block ride to the gas station or to call my road service, a co-worker walks by and says “Gee—your tire’s flat.”

File this under “I would love to just mess with you….”

1) When you call the electric or phone company and the person asks you if there is something they can help you with—“No, I just wanted to chat, see how you’re doing…”

2) When you go up to the counter with your purchases and the salesperson says “Is that everything?” Um, on second thought, just throw the whole joint in a bag and ring it up.”

3) When you’re eating out and the server waits until you have a mouthful of food to ask you if everything is okay—“ET”S SHUST YUVLEH”

File this under “Seriously?”

A few years back, my daughter took a long weekend trip to Belize. Well, the airline lost her bag. They didn’t admit this until she’d gotten to her hotel—a half-day ferry ride from the airport. They call her at her hotel to tell her if she comes back to the airport, they’ll give her a couple hundred bucks to purchase essentials. She didn’t want to blow a whole day of her 4-day stay schlepping to the airport. Some nice girls in the next room lent her some things so she decided to deal with the whole thing on her way home. So, after her 3.5 days of fun, she’s back at the airport having a 30 minute circular conversation with the young woman at the ticket counter about her reimbursement—the upshot of which was that the woman offered her $150.00 in Belize money. Which had a lousy rate of exchange at the time. My daughter says never mind, I’ll deal with the airline when I’m home, just check me in.

Counter Lady—“Name please [daughter repeats her name—tap, tap tap on keyboard] Destination ?” [daughter repeats that—tap, tap, tap]

—“ Will you be checking any bags today?” BEAT—BEAT

Daughter—“Were you not present for the 30 minute conversation we JUST had?”

Saturday, June 5, 2010

pass by me as the idle wind

Oh dear God—I’m still laughing/crying over this one

So, I’m packing and purging for our move in [holy crap!] 20 days. And sweating, cause once again we’ve skipped spring altogether and gone right into full hellacious humidity mode. I’ve got the TV on in the background [cause I’ve packed up all of my CDs] and a commercial comes on for this new product that will, apparently, solve all of your marriage problems.

Okay, you’ve got my attention. What is this marvel—and why wasn’t it around 10 years ago when I needed it?

Ready? It’s:

The Better Marriage Blanket

Seriously—a blanket to absorb farts.... For only $39.95 you can be on your way to total marital bliss.

The copy for the ad actually says it makes a great wedding or anniversary gift! I would just love to see a bride’s face if she gets that at her bridal shower.

Or the wife who gets one from hubby on their 10th anniversary—cause you know some idiot guy is gonna buy one. He’ll think it’s hilariously funny—but let’s face it, he won’t need it cause he’s gonna be sleeping on the couch for the next few years.

Now—read this for a laugh-til-the-tears-roll-down-your-cheeks take on this thing.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Marriage is a matter of more worth Than to be dealt in by attorneyship. (1 Henry VI 5.5.50-1)

So, after surviving a deployment to Vietnam, the near-death of a child, the vagaries of 4 teenagers, the drama of the Bill & Hil Show, making out on the stage of the Democratic convention—and SNL—in 2000 and the heartache of losing the disputed 2000 presidential election, Al and Tipper have “grown apart.” Okay…...

This was one couple that seemed pretty solid—and there are so few these days. My boomer generation seems to be having a real problem with sticking it out til the whole “death do us part” thing.

Why do you think that is? Did we have unrealistic expectations of what marriage is?


Is it because we are living longer and can’t sustain a relationship for that long??

A few years back, a friend took me to see Edward Albee’s The Goat—or Who is Sylvia at the Philadelphia Theatre Company. The play deals with a genuinely happily married man, a celebrated author, who finds himself in love with a goat. This creature fills a void he didn’t even know he had. I was describing the conversation my friend and I had after the performance to another friend:

“Once you get past the bestiality—“

“Wait—you got PAST the bestiality?”

Yes—that was Albee’s tool to shock the viewer into the thought path he wanted to pursue: Can we realistically expect one person to fulfill all of our needs all of our adult life?

I don’t know—my friend and I had a very lively discussion, believe me. Both of us in our 50s, with long-term marriages [although mine was ending at that point]. Both of our parents had made it for the long haul: his were just sort of going through the motions in some ways, but mine were madly in love until the day my dad died [they had recently celebrated their 48th Anniversary].

I hope we don’t take divorce lightly, cause it’s not a fun experience. Marriage takes work—you really do have to keep trying to maintain that connection as a couple. It’s hard, but so is divorce.

At least it was for me… My marriage lasted 26 years—the last 8 of which I struggled to keep things going. I begged my late ex-husband to go for counseling, but he refused. I finally reached a breaking point where I had to get out because it was starting to impact negatively on my own well being.

But I hated having to do that; I hated admitting defeat—and failure. Cause that’s what it felt like—I had failed at one of the most important things you do in your life. And, coming from the whole Catholic background, that really stung.

But it was what I had to do—God knows what I’d be like now if I had stayed…. Yet, it is always a little, stinging reminder when I hear of other couples calling it quits. I know what a painful process it can all be.

♥♥ ♥♥ ♥♥ ♥♥ ♥♥ ♥♥

On another note—I’m coming up on the one-year anniversary of this blog!!! I posted my first piece on Sunday, June 7, 2009. It doesn’t seem like an entire year has gone by.

But it has been an awesome year of sharing—and gaining so many new friends thru the blogosphere. I feel like I know you all so well. Thanks for taking time out of your busy lives to read my ramblings… Can’t wait to see what the future holds for all of us.