Have more than thou showest,Speak less than thou knowest.

Or—

“People Are Strange….”

File this under “Civics Class Wasn’t Your Strong Suit Was It?”

A friend is working as a census taker right now. He goes around to homes and apartments in his general area trying to get folks to answer the census questions. Well, the other day some guy is yelling at him thru the crack of the door that the census is “unconstitutional.” My Friend: “Okay—it’s only IN the constitution, but I hear ya….”

File this under “Way To Be Crystal Clear In Your Meaning.”

As I’ve said before, I live in Media, Pa—which happens to be the county seat and home of the county courthouse. So, needless to say, you can’t swing a dead cat in Media without hitting a law office. Well, I’m stopped at the light next to the post office and I see this guy holding a sign on a stick and leaning on the telephone pole on the other side of the street. The sign read “Arrest Lawyer.” Um, you’re gonna hafta dial that in a little more Sparky….

File this under “Thank You Captain Obvious.”

I came out to my car at lunchtime yesterday to discover my tire was flat—again. As I’m standing there debating whether to risk the 5 block ride to the gas station or to call my road service, a co-worker walks by and says “Gee—your tire’s flat.”

File this under “I would love to just mess with you….”

1) When you call the electric or phone company and the person asks you if there is something they can help you with—“No, I just wanted to chat, see how you’re doing…”

2) When you go up to the counter with your purchases and the salesperson says “Is that everything?” Um, on second thought, just throw the whole joint in a bag and ring it up.”

3) When you’re eating out and the server waits until you have a mouthful of food to ask you if everything is okay—“ET”S SHUST YUVLEH”

File this under “Seriously?”

A few years back, my daughter took a long weekend trip to Belize. Well, the airline lost her bag. They didn’t admit this until she’d gotten to her hotel—a half-day ferry ride from the airport. They call her at her hotel to tell her if she comes back to the airport, they’ll give her a couple hundred bucks to purchase essentials. She didn’t want to blow a whole day of her 4-day stay schlepping to the airport. Some nice girls in the next room lent her some things so she decided to deal with the whole thing on her way home. So, after her 3.5 days of fun, she’s back at the airport having a 30 minute circular conversation with the young woman at the ticket counter about her reimbursement—the upshot of which was that the woman offered her $150.00 in Belize money. Which had a lousy rate of exchange at the time. My daughter says never mind, I’ll deal with the airline when I’m home, just check me in.

Counter Lady—“Name please [daughter repeats her name—tap, tap tap on keyboard] Destination ?” [daughter repeats that—tap, tap, tap]

—“ Will you be checking any bags today?” BEAT—BEAT

Daughter—“Were you not present for the 30 minute conversation we JUST had?”