Sunday, July 5, 2009

What light through yonder window breaks...

It is the sunrise--and I'm wide awake.

Can anyone tell me why, on my days off, I wake up with the dawn...even after not being able to fall asleep til the wee hours?

Sleep--or the lack thereof--has become a huge issue in my life. It is very frustrating, and debilitating, to spend night after night tossing and turning. I've always taken a long time to nod off, but once I was asleep, I was out. At least til about 15 years ago...

Wakefulness started when my kids were babies--a mom always has one ear tuned to whether her kids need her or not. My daughter was a night owl; she didn't want to miss anything, even as an infant. My son had colic, but once he conked out at night he was fine. As toddlers, she still took forever to fall asleep and he'd zone as soon as his head hit the pillow. But that meant he'd wake up at the crack of dawn. My window of opportunity was very small--but I made the best of it.

Teen years brought wakefulness of a different kind. But once I was asleep, it was deep and restful. Not with Fibromyalgia. The past decade has been a battle to reach that nirvana of true restorative rest. I get what Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson were going through. It is the most frustrating feeling in the world. I've tried all of the homeopathic remedies--with so-so results. I've tried prescription drugs--but felt like a zombie the next day. I even participated in a drug study for a new medication. It worked rather well, but I have no idea what it was or whether it ever passed approval.

So what does a chronic insomniac do? Well, on the weekends, I just roll over and try to catch up on what I lost during the work week. "To sleep, perchance to dream."

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