Monday, September 19, 2011

I have seen a medicine That's able to breathe life into a stone...

Just a chuckle to start the week:


(Actual notes from hospital charts)

1. The patient refused autopsy. [It would be notable if they had said yes!]

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. [You really only get one of those...]

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. [Talk about forgetful!]

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night. [Lucky guy!]

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. [She’d probably have atrophy too]

6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared. [Wow--that could make walking really tricky]

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed. [Gee--ya think?]

8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. [Not even gonna go there...]

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. [OMG! do these people turn their brains on before they start dictating this stuff?!?]

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful. [HUH?]

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. [which did she put syrup on?]

12. She is numb from her toes down. [Um,... okay...]

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. [And just what did she do in the ER to get that X rating?]

14. The skin was moist and dry. [Seriously?]

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. [I give up...]

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. [Now there's a real tricky maneuver]

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. [Damn! Not going there either--literally.]

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she
got a divorce. [Yeah--I know how that feels...]

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy. [Now that’s an innovative form of therapy; dirty, but innovative..]

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. [Oh crap—mine aren’t.]

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. [Bet he’s popular with the ladies.]

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. [And just what is normal lover function? Don’t judge, people.]

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present. [Good, thing...they'd have to hold everything together with duct tape otherwise.]

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. [Now, there’s an OB/GYN I’m not going to...]

25. Patient has two normal teenage children, but no other abnormalities. [Yeah--I know how that feels too...]

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