Just a chuckle to start the week:
HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS
(Actual notes from hospital charts)
1. The patient refused autopsy.
[It would be notable if they had said yes!]
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
[You really only get one of those...]
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
[Talk about forgetful!]
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night.
[Lucky guy!]
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
[She’d probably have atrophy too]
6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
[Wow--that could make walking really tricky]
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
[Gee--ya think?]
8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
[Not even gonna go there...]
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
[OMG! do these people turn their brains on before they start dictating this stuff?!?]
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
[HUH?]
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
[which did she put syrup on?]
12. She is numb from her toes down.
[Um,... okay...]
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
[And just what did she do in the ER to get that X rating?]
14. The skin was moist and dry.
[Seriously?]
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
[I give up...]
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
[Now there's a real tricky maneuver]
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
[Damn! Not going there either--literally.]
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she
got a divorce.
[Yeah--I know how that feels...]
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
[Now that’s an innovative form of therapy; dirty, but innovative..]
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
[Oh crap—mine aren’t.]
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
[Bet he’s popular with the ladies.]
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
[And just what is normal lover function? Don’t judge, people.]
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
[Good, thing...they'd have to hold everything together with duct tape otherwise.]
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
[Now, there’s an OB/GYN I’m not going to...]
25. Patient has two normal teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
[Yeah--I know how that feels too...]
"potato weather for sure..."
